5-4-Friday… 5 proper budget measures
I watched the budget at work on Wednesday. No, it’s not skiving, these things can have a material effect on our business so it’s relevant to my job. And anyway, I was multi-tasking; I was building this year’s work Christmas party day quiz as I watched.
This blog never has ever been overtly political. In fact, it rarely gets political at all, if truth be told. But, listening to Rachel from Accounts waffling on the other day, I started to dream up my own ideas as to how we could deal with this supposed £2 point odd trillion debt that we have been lumbered with.
I got a grade B in A-level in Economics back in the day, so nobody can say I don’t know what I’m talking about. As such, here is my 5-point manifesto to make Britain Great again. To be fair, most of them just involve fining people for being idiots, but they’d be real money spinners for the Treasury, for sure!
Beer tax – When I was a younger man, we only cared about the budget to see how much they put on a pint of beer or a packet of fags. See, when they put 2p on the price of pint, the next time we bought a pint it was 20p dearer. Logically, therefore, take 2p OFF the price and force the pubs to REDUCE the price at the pump by 20p. Unit tax revenue will go down (admittedly) down, sales will go through the roof, meaning overall tax revenue rising astronomically. Simples! Remember, I have an A-level in economics… so you can’t argue!
Insta pics – We’re moving on to general fines, now. I’ll be the first to admit I post a lot of dross on socials. I do most of it to amuse myself and, if it happens to amuse you in the process, then all well and good. But, people who just post pictures with no comment whatsoever, I really don’t get. If it’s the Statue of Liberty I might reasonably guess you’re on holiday in NYC. If it’s just a tree or field in your local woods, what are you actually saying? What’s the point? Doing this should be accompanied by an automatic £10 fine. £2 trillion would disappear in a matter of months.
Couriers – We all buy loads of stuff online. Amazon, Temu, Shein, AliExpress, the list is endless. And they all seem to have decent tracking systems that tell you where your parcel is every step of its journey. I can watch it leave Guangzhou, get to Heathrow, go in and out of customs, get to a centralised warehouse hub, then pass to a courier’s regional depot and eventually in to the boot of a £12 per hour Evri driver’s car. And then, from there, over those last few miles, it can end up anywhere. Anywhere, but usually not my house! So, every time this happens, fine ‘em a tenner! We’d all be living like middle eastern Shiekhs in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.
Baseball caps – I mean, specifically, baseball caps being worn by people indoors. Specifically, wearing baseball caps in pubs, restaurants and golf clubs. Where do you think you are, America? Just stop it, and stop it right now. Failure to comply will be accompanied by another £10 fine. You can see a pattern developing here, surely?
Prisons – Just get rid! We seem to be making a concerted effort to surreptitiously abolish them by releasing thousands of the bastards by mistake each week, anyway. These prisons cost a fortune to run and we simply don’t need them. If we can send asylum seekers to Rwanda why can’t we send the convicts over to Australia again? They have plenty of spare space and it seemed to work alright the last time we tried it. Millions and millions of pounds saved right there. What could possibly go wrong?
See you at the Desptach Box
Griff
