I once went to watch a Wigan Amateur League cup semi-final match in Platt Bridge, Wigan. It was a filthy day deep in December and the game should never really have been played. The field was a complete mud-bath. I was only there with a few of my team-mates because the game we were supposed to be playing in was cancelled due our pitch being totally under water.
But, to everyone’s surprise, the referee decided that this pitch was perfectly playable and the game went ahead. The two teams emerged from the dressing room. It is fair to say, there didn’t appear to be a great deal of enthusiasm for the contest ahead. As the last player came in to the murk, he took one look at the playing surface, called the referee’s attention and uttered this immortal line…
“OI! Are thi chauvin’ me, marrer? Somebody’s beaarnt brast a fetlock on ‘ere!”
We all nodded in agreement. All bar a lad from Bolton who was totally mystified, as he didn’t understand a single word. To be fair, the line does contain a few words that even sone Wiganers wouldn’t recognise. Let me break it down and explain the words you might not be familiar with.
Chauvin’ – Strictly speaking, chauving – or to chauve someone – usually means to aggravate, annoy or pester someone. It can also be used to describe more modern parlance like winding someone up or taking the piss. It’s the “are you having a laugh?” type thing.
Marrer – an affectionate, or often a sarcastic, way of one man referring to another mam. It can replace mate, pal, fella, lad, etc
Beaarnt – Not sure if that’s ho you spell it phonetically but “beaarnt” is just a typically broad Wigan way of saying “bound to”. As in “it’s bound to rain later” which, in a broad Wigan dialect would come out as “it’s baarnt fot rain”
Brast – Again, this is normally just a Wigan word, meaning burst. In winter, for example, there is always a danger in Wigan in winter that the freezing weather might “mek thi pipes brast” (make your pipes burst). However, it can also but be used to mean break or broke, typically a bone – “he’s brast his arm”, for instance.
Fetlock – this isn’t an exclusively Wigan dialect word at all. It is, of course, the correct anatomical term for a horse’s ankle. Now there aren’t many horsey-types in Platt Bridge, so if you hear someone using the word fetlock they’ll normally be referring to a human ankle.
So, if we put that all together, what our incredulous and intrepid Wigan footballer was actually saying, would read something like this…
“I say, ref…are you being entirely serious by allowing this football match to proceed? I fear there is every likelihood that the participants may incur some serious injury to their lower limbs”
See you in the mud-bath – Griff
