Hey, remember me? I used to write a blog called 5-4-Frday a couple of years ago. What do you mean, you thought I was dead? Well, I’m not, sadly for you lot. Not only that, I’ve been inspired to dust off the keyboard by a work colleague so, if you want someone to blame for my return, I will happily share her contact details with you.
I had every intention of reviving this blog around about the start of the Covid-19 lockdown back in March, foolishly thinking that I would have a bit more time on my hands than I normally have. On that subject, here’s a tip for you… when Covid-20 comes knocking next year and some grown-up at your organisation asks you to get involved with helping to source a shed-load of PPE, the answer should be a resounding “no thanks, sod that! You do it!”
Now then, what should be the subject of this comeback 54F? There is probably a couple of years’ worth of hot topics to moan about but, for today, I am going to return to an old favourite. From time to time in the past, this blog has vented about nauseating phrases and cliches that unoriginal dullards simply cannot resist using in the workplace. Here are the latest five…
On my radar – “Can I put this on your radar”. Oh, hello Wing Commander, got your own sophisticated aeronautical navigational system now, have you? “That’s not been put on my radar, as yet”. Oh, I see even the lowly rear gunner has one now! Let me tell you how that conversation should have played out here on planet earth…
Wing Commander: “I’m going to give you this piece of work.
Rear Gunner: F*** off, I’ve got enough to do as it is.
Bring to life – I’m probably going to upset a few people I currently work with bring to life. Who am I kidding? Like they read this blog! For me, if you have to “bring something to life” right, that implies that you screwed it up in the first place. Please don’t try to impress us all by telling us that you’re now going out of your way to revive something that is dying on its arse, because it was probably your fault that it’s in a critical condition in the first place.
Surfacing – For my sins, I am compelled to mix with lots of techy-types on a day-to-day basis. Here’s one of their modern-day favourites – “How are you going to surface that data?” Surface? Oh, come on, is there really any need for that? Believe me, if you ever want to gratuitously use a phrase to demonstrate how far have your head embedded up your own arse, then this will do the trick nicely.
The New Normal – I don’t suppose we could get away without touching Covid and Lockdown, could we? Is life really all that different and strange? As far as I can see, the roads are a bit quieter, I don’t get mithered when I’m in the office as much as I used to, I’ve played more golf than Rory McIlroy this year, I don’t have to queue at the bar for beer and I’m not allowed to have visitors in the house. I’m not particularly a fan of “the new normal” as a phrase but, by god, I love the situation it’s put me in. Bring it on!
You’re on mute – “Can you see my screen?”, “I think Julian has frozen”, “Sorry, we lost you for a second there”. There must be enough material to bring to life and surface on to your radar a million new blogs thanks to the new normal, but they will have to wait for another time. I’ll just leave you with this one little thought for now… is it just me who is finding that people who were always just sat at their desk staring out of window doing nothing when we were in the office are now miraculously “on another call” whenever you try contact them on Teams? And isn’t funny how that “other call” miraculously manages to end very soon after you call them? Pretty much in the time it takes to come back in from the garden, or pause Sky Sports, or put the shopping away, or just get your arse off the couch and log back on, actually.
No? Just me? I doubt it
See you on the Zoom call.