This week, I have finally finished watching Ozark. For some unknown reason, I abruptly stopped watching after season four episode four in 2022 and left it catching metaphorical dust for four years.
So, I got round to binge-watching the final ten episodes this week and I was reminded of some nonsense things that only happen in the world of TV drama shows, primarily American ones.
See how many of these inexplicable phenomenon you recognise. I spotted all five of these in one single episode of Ozark, but they are from exclusive to the Byrde family’s lives. You’ll spot them in any American drama.
Security – America is one of the crime capitals of the world. And it’s little wonder, given that nobody ever leaves a car or a house without leaving the door totally unlocked. These people are a thieving scum-bag’s dream. They have clearly never spent any time living in Platt Bridge!
Rude – How rude are most Americans? They finish a conversation and then hang up the phone or get up and leave the room without so much of a “see ya, l8r!” That would never happen in the UK without you getting a mouthful from the person you’ve just walked out on.
Time\Space Continuum – anybody remember the kids sci-fi show from the seventies, The Tomorrow People, where the kids would hold on to their belt buckle, close their eyes and jaunt immediately to any place in the world? Well, Americans can do that in a car, apparently. Ozark is set in Osage Beach, Missouri which is 430 miles from central Chicago, a seven-hour drive according to Google Maps. Ruth Langmore did that return journey twice in one day and never ran out of daylight.
Bomb-proof – part of the exciting climax to Ozark included a spectacular car crash when Marty took his eyes off the freeway and rolled the family car a dozen times and somersaulted half a mile down the road, the car landing on its roof. Not only did the car not burst into flames and burn alive the entire family, all four of them crawled out through the windows and suffered not one single scratch between them. Tiger Woods could do with taking driving lessons from the Byrdes.
Digging holes – two amazing things happen when some red-neck hillbilly or Mexican cartel hit-man murders somebody. First, the slightest-built female, ie Ruth Langmore, can dig a hole the size of an international sized swimming pool inside an hour. Not only that, they can do it with a five-foot spade that doesn’t even have a handle. What is it with Americans and handles? I’ve never understood why those brown paper grocery bags that all American shops give you have no handles. It makes no sense!
See you on the couch – Griff
