Far be it from me to deny people a forum for voicing opinions. As a blogger of, admittedly very little repute, that would be hypocrisy of the highest order. Everyone has an opinion and life would be very dull if all of us had the same one. As a good example, my Facebook friends list is clearly inhabited by a mixed bag of slightly to the right of Genghis Khan fascists and tree-hugging, loony-lefties.
Politically, I probably sit somewhere in the middle of them. Well OK, maybe tipping the balance toward the right-hand side, if anything. But I wouldn’t dream of falling out with any of them over their political or religious views. We either agree to disagree, or I politely ignore them. If anyone becomes a real pain in the ass there is always the unfriend button, but it’s never got to that stage yet.
Recently, however, Facebook – and presumably Twitter, too – has become filled with political and religious propaganda from both sides of the left/right eat/west divide. I don’t appreciate having other people’s political views rammed down my throat, particularly when the provenance of some of this stuff is dodgy at best, blatantly fabricated at worst. As the late, great Marvin Gaye once sang, “believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear”.
More than the fact that they are potentially divisive, my main beef with all these posts is that they are as dull as ditch water. Why can’t we all go back to harmless stuff like slagging off Steven Gerrard for slipping over, or Ryan Giggs for systematically shagging his way through his in-laws? It’s high time people were reminded for what purpose Facebook is really intended. So, with all due apology for blogging about stuff I may well have blogged about before, here goes.
Pets and kids – Feel free to post pictures of your dogs, cats and hamsters in various adorable, cute and/or hilarious poses. Do the same things with your kids, not forgetting to remind us that they are the cleverest, most handsome kids that have ever lived. At the appropriate time in the school year, do not forget to do your best to give the false impression that the world is full of child prodigies by lying through your teeth about their exam results. Top Tip #1: the ones who don’t post a picture of the actual school report or exam results at this time, are probably the ones who are lying the most.
Beauty parade – Ladies, be sure to upload photos of you pouting with your best duck-faced, gormless expression, wearing your latest bin-bag dress, with your newly done “dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards” hair do and your hideously painted nails and eyebrows, safe in the knowledge that 100% of respondents will tell you how “gawjus” you are. Those that don’t reply are just too polite to tell you that you look like you belong in a circus or in Ripley’s “Believe It Or Not”.
Guilt trips – Find a pointless picture of flowers or a sandy beach and invite people to like and share it if they love their mother, kids or pets. If your own mother, kids or pets are dead, replace the flowers and sandy beach with a rainbow or a picture of an angel playing a harp. Be aware, however, that those who choose not to like or share your meme is not necessarily a cold, heartless witch. He or she may just feel sufficiently comfortable about the level of affection they have for their family without feeling the need to broadcast it to the Twittersphere.
Football and sports – Admittedly this is more of a male preserve but, it is essential that you give the world the benefit of you deep, tactical knowledge and running can commentary during a major sports event. Actually no, it isn’t. No-one is interested in what you have to say. That’s what Gary Neville is for. In any case, if you are such an expert in the sport in question you would be out there playing it, not wittering about it on Facebook. Stick to slagging off Steven Gerrard.
Hob-nobbing – And finally, under no circumstances must you ever fail to check-in when you are in a swanky restaurant or in the business class lounge of one of the major airlines. Real people, of course, will either check-in at every single place they visit, or nowhere at all. They don’t pick and choose which locations they’d like us to know they have frequented. Top Tip #2: keep a photograph of “The Ivy”, preferably an inside shot, in your phone’s pictures library so that you can fool people that you genuinely checked-in there, even if you were just hurtling past in a cab on the way back to Euston.
See you in the Emirates First Class lounge – Griff